Blogging Mind!

For years, I felt everything changed. Changed That hills, Changed that mountain ridges, change that scrubland, and Change all way to the pathless village where poor children live with an uncertain life, learning in school of cattle, Changed  wiry farmer. Changed his verdant acres of  rapeseed plants lined near a snowy whiteriver and even  Changed that river's water. Changed that dead bridge, changed that ghoulish town. Changed that insane lone widow who believe one day her sweetheart will return. Changed octogenarian father who is waiting his son to come. Changed tender teen who dreamed her different world, Changed the family's whose sole breadwinner didn't return, Changed the singed and sodden school and temple, Changed that arresting bird who used to sing a song…

Changed that  sweet word made evertying changed. I was flying above the sky and saw all changed. God it changed. 

I had to smile and I smiled. 

Like those era of Rana, Era of Freedom, Era of mulit party, like those of Panchyat, and those of King, and like republica, like my comrade, all changed, all  fetched unprecedented scale of change, he told me this is all change for you. 

I flied above, all above the clouds.

But not, the days are back again but a color has been changed. Bravo comrades, you act like the same change , You told me to perish my brothers, I did, you told me ripped that peaceful idyllic village to shred, I did.  You told me teach gun to those kid and changed them doughty machine, I did,  I did changed their childhood, changed them to freedom fighter. Changed them to  martyrs. Changed everything and   You assured me all dead will  change. But Comrade, they are not.

Today so many changed. The word is changed,  so pretty, so powerful change. It changed you not my dead, not my childhood and not my people.

And Today, I got to say comrade,  I am changed too.

She made sure that I had decent ambience to rest  in her only bed.

Summer night started to fall with the moon hangs low and baleful in the dead sky and the night crickets, katydids and locusts rattling buzz together, like a music of mid night .

She tried to sweep it away with her talk. And the talk was the same stories of The god and the poor man. In a moment, I slept with the poor man and came back shortly to discover her wheezing battle against her chronic friend . She was panting and cursing. I heard her begging voice, asking god  to take her forever, as the wheeze went on its peak, she held a few moment and gasp for desperate air showing her sagging breast.

It slowed down a bit, and consoled herself murmuring, inhaling deeply back to normal and her fragile chest with bosom that left its beauty long ago took its shape.

She stared me back, saw my empty open eyes.  She smiled, asked me to close my eyes and sleep but I could not. I haven't  seen such painful breathing as like its in me, a kind of beast that sucks every little air inside,  like  its overtaking  flimsy lungs, squeezing to its limit, making me breathless.

Pain gave a short break and she decided to reveal her  midnight lullaby. She stared the ceiling fan and talked on her own as like she was conversing  herself,  not with me. But when the story came to the god world, she noticed my somnolence face and decided to interrupt the world she has created,  explaining me that the story came to abrupt end. And she flashed her sweet dimpled smile with a kiss.

I dived in to the deep dream which she had  crafted for me.  I saw poor man again.  For the second time,  I woke up to ensure she was alright, but saw she was still gasping for air, murmuring, cursing herself.  I mocked, closed my eyes but she knew I was awake and watching her. 

Far from Pari Butwal's deserted hollow road, we could see that big chunk of cement napping on other edge of Wari Butwal, with amazingly beautiful textured, as attractive as like mermaids showing her hypnotics cleavage, every swimmer dare to make amorous advances.

 

That day, Harkay and I wend with fishing rods. We glanced far northern tributary-mouth, complete strange calm soothing hypnotic sound. 

 

Harkay managed to unearth some worms in Kaki’s backyard garden, wrapped the fat one in the sharp hook. The polyester thread tightly knotted at hook’s eye. He kept rest worm in spare plastic bag. Just like typical anglers, we set out for the mission, roamed aimlessly for the best spot to give a shot of the day.

 

"I heard the peace silent spot. Where trout sleep in day." Harkay predicted.

 

"Where the spot?" I asked..

 

"Under the stone, a shadow formed over peace water but that must be deep” he said drawing it in air.

 

We searched for it, across west shore line of Old Butwal, but didn’t notice a single. We spent hour.

 

I guessed there a spot in east shoreline, the Chementy dhunga (stone). It was like a hidden under its bosom. The portion it covered like a small pond, pool in peace. As Harkay said fish love peace & tranquility. That spot dragged me.

 

"Cementy dunga. I knew there is one" I pointed towards other east shoreline. Harkay nodded, and gave a hint.

 

***

 

We set out with bare feet inside cold Tinau, as we reached half a distancce, instantly, felt current guts. It sinked us, rised us elsewhere. Our head bobbed underwater a moment as we dogged in hollow deep and led to gasp for deep breath. The bait wrapped around was safe but we were completely inundated. By the time we reached the shore, we were tired and fatigued and again to reach the top spot, we had to walk northern top most bridge and its side shore. It was not easy for a mile walk again.

 

Today, Perhaps we were two alone in Tinau. None of single two-legged-beast showed even for loo. I was wondering the reason. Just from the North, the hill raised its familiar echo and stiff breeze constantly deflected through us, drying our wet skins and clothes. As we reached near the stone, we saw bridge rocking atop. .None of walking through it, certainly not strange.

 

I saw till the last visible distance of both side of Tinau was just dead rocks, boulders, stone, pebbles, waters and its gorging sound. But I noticed, some vulture near the slaughterhouse garbage, ripping off leftover meat from the carcass. 

 

***

 

I recalled last week when a guy got a big Sidra fish, almost waged a kg. I dreamed as I stand aside the spot. A minute dream shrugged and flushed my focused. The spot still far to go but I knew the walk worth of something. I believed that spot still harbored that peace & fish within.

 

***

 

We approached near huge Kanya dunga silently, we felt it was staring us. We didn’t talk it  rather focused on the cementy. Harkay told me once he vomited near Kanya, "The stone is strange. Its hunted." He whispered but I didn’t add a word. I knew thats not right now especially when alone. 

 

Its just us, the cementy dunga, and the bait. The dunga had a shore hidden underneath, the portion it cover was like a small pond, pool in peace.A sound could ripple the surface sending a wave signal like you just threw a stone in middle of idle pond.

 

We sat just near small stone adjoin to Cementy dunga and threw a bait in its deeply greenish pool that seemingly claim a fish hive. Harkay took the command. I sat and watched it. The hook dipped sent wave signal, rippled the delicate calm. I guessed the long thread dived inside almost a fathom. We stared and kept our silent reign. 

 

***

 

The two hours seem to have passed in a haze. My enduring disposition had reached its limit. As the last minute he broke his silent, told me that he felt a light shift in the thread. He fixed the rod firmly and flashed beatific smile – "I told you. Patient. We got it." He added staring at the spot like statue "Let fish eat it all, let holy barb tightly pierce its neck.”

 

I added, jerking my head in the direction "Pull it lightly and check its weight, see you can guess".

 

He was still paused "I am pulling, its jerking, its pulling"

 

"A big catch?," I said encouragingly.

 

Harkay quirked his head in a peculiar way and said "I don’t know how big, but its look like big"

 

We planned careful to give a surprise with thrust that could bring it out and thrash in the dry sand. He checked the rods for the inwards pressure, I grabbed the thread to feel it. It was there. “Hold. We will give a thrust in a moment” I spluttered in a feeble squeaky voice.

 

Meanwhile, after all that hard work. I thought, I brought some dry rice flakes. Pretty much wet though but I chewed it and poured a fist full to Harkay mouth.

 

***

 

Harkay made second attempt, mounted full strength. I added mine as I grabbed the rods too , added my full thrust of calories. Harkay second gear.. The fish didn’t find it that hard. It was still underneath, holding it firmly.

 

I gave dubious glance to Harkay and muttered. –"Is it really fish?"

 

"What do you think?", Harkay replied low, a rasping hiss.

 

"Its too heavy, can you believe It" I said with a chuckle.

 

"We got a hell of big fish," he claimed.

 

"How hell big, we even can’t pull it up" I said vaguely as I was adding my every last calories left on the rod.

 

Harkay hand was even more firmed than mine. We dragged together but something that tugging us underneath, so strangely strong. I saw Harkay stressed expression. 

 

"Is it really a god damn fish", I said suspiciously.

 

"I don’t know!". Harkay replied as he was mounting the pressure on the catch.

 

I looked towards the deep blue rippling water .

 

"Then what the heck is it?," I shouted.

 

"I don’t know," he shouted giving a perplexed look 

 

The wind started blowing from the near hill, we heard it like a screaming demon, and gradually, it displayed its strength, tugged, whipped our clothes and shrieked our ears. It reminded us something about to happen, either rain or big storm. In a moment, we felt drizzle descended incessantly over our head. We didn’t care at all. We were just holding the rod and pulling, pausing and pulling.

 

"It carries strange green at the edge of its fin", Harkay exclaimed. "I saw it. The fading red in the rear side, it’s like a deep sea fish". He added and gave me surprise look.

 

I magnified at the spot and said "I didn’t see it."

 

"It gave me a flash. What a fish." He laughed, looked felt elated, “Just couldn’t wait to kill this bitch.”, shouted.

 

I was staring the blue water, the rain droplets poured from the top. I thought the fish must have sensed it.

 

“Harkay..hold on, we can’t lose it. Can we together pull it again.” I was stuttering now.

 

The drizzle almost sure to change its shape. The hill looked pretty moisture now, the whispered it sent had strange sound, like thousands of trees singing in chorus. I guessed it started raining out there. The wind blowing hard. We were inundated but the bait struck as hard as it was at first.

 

"Harkay, lets give a final pull." I insisted.

 

"Lets do it, but rod is weak. I got to catch the thread." He expressed.

 

We together set a counter. "One, Two ..Two & half and Two & quarter .. and going to three … and Three"

 

"Holy God.", He cried

 

“What?’ I heard like hell.

 

Rains had engulfed us completely by now.

 

"Its stuck..! What a weight boy! We can’t do it alone. Bastard!", He shouted.

 

"What?, I don’t think its a fish," I doubted again.

 

"It’s a god damn fish..! I saw it. This rod will break. We need someone now, we can’t do it alone", Harkay looked helpless as I was. He grabbed the thread and try to maintain rod balance

 

"Its not as big as dolphin, is it?," I question clumsily.

 

"I don’t know," His voice snarled out. "Just look around, call someone, we got to get this fish out".

 

I climbed over the Cementy dunga and gazed to find any stranger around. I saw none. The shore was just dead. I saw rain inundating parched shore. I didn’t notice but still I shouted for help. I knew nobody was there to listen. I hunched, saw Harkay was kneeling down, the rod bending almost about to break but he was delicately handling the thread. I noticed his sore finger was bleeding but still managing to get firm gripped at the rear and middle side.

 

I saw towards the North. The wind must have turned insane. As I looked the far northern horizon , noticed the water was just not as peace as it was. Harkay stared me. His expression was like he got pretty bad cramp. I was thinking about the fish. . How Tinau could possessed it at first place?

 

The wind I felt fiercely violent. I could not stand against. I had to shout to be heard. "Harkay, Are you alright?" In reply, He stared me. His look was frail but still not given up.

 

I heard strange rumbled sound. I stared towards north. I saw brownish flood frothing over gigantic boulders. I could clearly noticed the huge tidal waves approaching us from the horizon. I was terrified. The fierce it possessed was like a cheetah chasing behind you The irresistible insanity of tinau was just about to gulp us. I encountered its pretty nightmarish avatar, saw grandma Tinau tales. I whined like never before.

 

"Harkay, Get the hell out of here!…Look back". I jumped on the shore and run till the extreme edge. I noticed the thumping of heart against the chest. I didn't had that beat ever.

 

Harkay turned back. He didn’t take a second to jump the side. He left the rod and rushed towards me.

 

***

 

We ran breathlessly, and gasp under a big peeple tree. Terrifying storm made its branches emit horrible hiss. Swollen Flood was submerging the empty dry shore, the spot where we sat, now completely under brownish frothed, gulping Cementy, Kanaya dhunga and everything on its way. We noticed the rod Harkay left was floating above its intense gradient. He stood looking dazed, focusing it as it surfed with surging brown flood tide. I thought of fish, must be hanging with it. Must be dead now. I stared at Harkay. He was still gazing the rod but it was almost invisible now. His intesnse gasping breath and remorsed look was cursing the berserk Tinau. The flood was lashing everything it found its way. All wilting parched shore was turning chaotic. We saw tumultuous avatar, anger, and outrageously strange sound like we were told to go away. We didn’t spare talking and marched towards roadside. 

 

***

 

As I reached far from the shore line, near the school building, I saw Harkay emerged lopsidedly from shore barriers. He walked unsteadily and displaying grimaces and traumatic expressions. He turned back and stare the very spot again and I ran towards Grandma house.

In many instances, I bunked School just because one simple but major reason that I failed to complete my Home Work, The subject teacher was a stern disciplinarian. I could not stand to see his demon face. To avoid worst nightmare,  I rather went for  fishing in Tinau River. As usual they said fondly and I heard, Fishing is a real fun, teaches to be patient. And there  I used to get some of enduring and tolerant friends in just a wink, ready to spent whole day fishing and fishing.  I could pronounced almost every fish I caught. 

Whole day hardy fisher was now tired. Enough playing. The air turning increasingly sullen as evening start falling. The river squall blew up from the south. We decided to step out of the water that was getting colder. In the shore we sat togther,  forming small circle and the fishes we caught which was in a small bucket were shared equally.  Most of them gutted all their shares, removing its head, tail and fins right in the shore. I never made it though. I wonder why should I? I rather dreamed to keep it my home tank and watch it growing.

I was pretty naive. I never knew what could happen next. I often thought of a small aquarium but it was just not possible then. My shared were surfing in congested dirty water bottle hid inside my school bags. I was pretty happy and was checking the bottle every 5 mins. 

Before I guessed it was 4pm, I saw red and white kids flickers far on the bridge. I thought they are now returning from school. I could hear their stamping against planks of ailing bridge. It was the indeed time to prepare  for sweet home, pretending of course back from my school. There was the other bridge, the first one which was pretty senile, connects Pulchowk, an old junction of new Butwal now almost dead silent.  That was right  way avoiding collision with teachers and friends. Eventhough I was scared of its patches. The most terrifying moment when caught amidst stiff breeze hitting against its fragile body and eventually rocking you like hell. I saw and I thought it could be me there that evening. 

Before anyone noticed it,  I climbed up and reach the floor to rest my fishes in water tank. During bed time,  I told my brother that I kept some fishes in the tank. He said it could slip through the tap and reach in our mouth.  I literally never thought that. Next morning,  I dare to make lame attempt to bring those fish back. My brother helped but all we could do was just stare it cruising.

I Thanked God. Its been 2 weeks.Everything is as safe as I wished. It never made through the tap. I brought some fish stuffs. I thought they may love it.  I noticed they were almost same size as i brought from the river. I never saw them growing a cm. I was now calmed and felt my fish tank is safe and hopefully these fishes will eventually turn big enough.

Few days later, we decided to travel Manakamana. During the course of this trip,  I managed plenty of time to think about the fishes and the tank. and wished everything fine. 

After a week long outing, I was back with a hope. All i did the first minute to climb up and check my tank. I  noticed  water had strong aroma of fish. I just remained quiet or may be I overreacted. Finally, the obnoxious aroma swiftly entered in my dad nostrils and he discovered  dead fishes floating. He gave a clear hint that the fishy game was between either of his two sons. Certainly, He knew that I was a fisher son's friend. I got a pretty nice lesson . After the incident, I never thought of bringing a single god damn living fishes again. 

And certainly, I had an obituary for my beloved fish. Later that day, I thought Fish are not made for tank, for aquarium, and  for my pleasure. They are born for free and let them live free in fresh Tinau River. Thats their home not my Tank.

Below in the deep canyon, the river Bhote Khosi rumbled and frothed over gigantic boulders. Kodari almost like a bucolic rustic place but Northern lush of concrete Khasa, Tibet like a dream. Their invaders gave us cautious welcome. They stared, ripped off all my 20 snaps of friendship bridge. I bear a grudge, a foreboding sense of doom. I turned back and saw destitute Kodari.

Everything from brook side field, the lush of green hill, landscape of everything, rah rah of  stubborn psychedelic creatures, the grandma-pa fashion I believed all are  now passé.  

The music, the place, the new alien nepalese and the nascent wealthy politics that unfortunately depend oblivious starvation, abject poverty,  everything I see like a new  hallucination change. 

but something are not meant to be changed, the audacity of hope, the limit of toleration of Guno-ho Nepalese, surviving on the meagre income, being patient for several decades for change. And being dreamer that one day the world from next hill, veer into their life once and realize what they believed in us. 

Happy New Year to my hardy fellow Nepalese.